Some well known aviation humor…

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The following are accounts of exchanges between airline pilots and control
towers from around the world.

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While taxiing the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made
a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate female
ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
“US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie
taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it’s
difficult for you to tell the difference between C’s and D’s, but get it
right!”

Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically: “God, you’ve screwed everything up! It’ll take forever to
sort this out! You stay right there and don’t move till I tell you to! You
can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour
And I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I
tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?”

“Yes ma’am,” the humbled crew responded.

Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the verbal
bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground controller
in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high.
Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked “Wasn’t I married to you
once?”

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The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a
three-sixty–do a complete circle, a move normally used to provide spacing
between aircraft.

The pilot of the 727 complained, “Don’t you know it costs us two thousand
dollars to make even a one-eighty in this airplane?”

Without missing a beat the controller replied, “Roger, give me four thousand
dollars’ worth.”

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A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his approach
speed a little high. San Jose Tower: “American 751 heavy, turn right at the
end of the runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway
101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport

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It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being
vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas
City. KC Approach: “Malibu three-two Charlie, you’re following a 727, one
o’clock and three miles.” Three-two Charlie: “We’ve got him. We’ll follow
him.”

KC Approach: “Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o’clock
and three miles. Do you have that traffic?”

Delta 105 (in a thick southern drawl, after a long pause): “Well…I’ve got
something down there. Can’t quite tell if it’s a Malibu or a Chevelle.”

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Unknown aircraft: “I’m f…ing bored!”

Air Traffic Control: “Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!”

Unknown aircraft: “I said I was f…ing bored, not f…ing stupid!”

Tower: “Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7.”
Eastern 702: “Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after
we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.”
Tower: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7.
Did you copy that report from Eastern?”

Continental 635: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we
copied Eastern and we’ve already notified our caterers.”

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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot.
They not only expect one to know one’s gate parking location, but how to get
there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that
we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt
ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign “Speedbird 206″:

Speedbird 206: “Top of the morning, Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the
active runway.”

Ground: “Guten Morgen. You vill taxi to your gate.”

The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?”
Speedbird 206: “Stand by a moment, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now.”
Ground (with arrogant impatience): “Speedbird 206, have you never
Flown to Frankfurt before?”
Speedbird 206 (coolly): Yes, I have, actually,in 1944. In another type of
Boeing, but just to drop something off. I didn’t stop.”

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O’Hare Approach Control: “United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one
o’clock, three miles, eastbound.”

United 239: “Approach, I’ve always wanted to say this…I’ve got that Fokker
in sight.”
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A Pan Am 727 flight engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard
the following:

Lufthansa (in German): Ground, what is our start clearance time?”

Ground (in English): “If you want an answer you must speak English.”

Lufthansa (in English): “I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak English?”

Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent): “Because you lost the bloody
war!”

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Not radio chatter, but these squawks were pretty good too:

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a “gripe
sheet,” which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The
mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and
then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are
some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas pilots and the
solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

(P= The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S= The solution and action taken by mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what they’re for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

This editorial appeared in the Tampa Tribune (c) on Nov. 5, 2009.

The expense of flying a private airplane gives most people the impression that small airports have become exclusive clubs for the wealthy, whose political influence allows them to pass on the cost to taxpayers who don’t benefit.

That impression is inaccurate for many reasons. The 10,000 pilots in town this week to attend the Aircraft Owners and Pilots Association aviation summit are one visible indication of the importance of private airplanes, and the small public airports that serve them, to the nation’s economy.

Many of these pilots use an airplane as a work tool. It is a serious business, even for those who fly only as a sport or to access remote vacation spots.

In a recent editorial, USA Today complained that “a wildly disproportionate” amount of ticket taxes that airline passengers are charged is spent on more that 2,800 fields they’ll never visit. Expressing a widely held view, the newspaper said, “It would be hard to find fliers who wouldn’t rather keep their money or see it spent on airports they use.”

Passengers who use Tampa International Airport are fortunate that Lou Miller, executive director of the Hillsborough Aviation Authority, has a more informed opinion.

An airport without scheduled passenger service does have an impact on airports that sell tickets. Miller knows that airplanes using the three small, public airports in Hillsborough County – Peter O. Knight, Tampa Executive and Plant City – are staying out of the air around the crowded major public airport. That’s why he calls them reliever airports.

Look up and you probably will not see an airplane. The sky is not crowded. Congestion occurs only around the big airports, especially the ones airlines use as hubs. Encouraging smaller planes to go to smaller airports helps minimize delays and avoids concentrating too much air traffic at one site.

Visit a small airport and you’ll see that not everyone who flies a private airplane has money to burn. Many airplanes are owned by groups of pilots who split the costs. Other pilots rent an airplane by the hour.

One unrecognized way small airports serve the traveling public is flight training. About half the landings at Peter O. Knight are by students learning to fly or pilots improving their skills. Mixing these small, slow planes with the fast jets full of passengers is not a way a rational passenger would want to save a few dollars on the price of a ticket.

Small airports are where many airline pilots come from. Some of the flight instructors are actually working on a career as an airline pilot, which requires many hours of flight time. Outside the military, there are few other affordable paths to a flying career.

The money for Hillsborough’s airports comes from user fees, not taxes. Ticket fees are collected from passengers, and pilots are taxed when they buy aviation fuel. But unlike the fuel used by cars and trucks, most of the fuel in an airplane is burned high above the ground and far from the runways, which are usually empty. It’s easy to overlook how much money the pilots are contributing.

Hangars and other amenities at Hillsborough’s small airports are self-supporting. Maintenance done at the airports sustains good jobs. And the nation’s network of small airports gives access to areas the airlines don’t serve.

These airports are used by law enforcement, firefighters, crop dusters, wildlife officials, charity flights, business executives, TV crews, medical services and tourists.

Pilots flying for all those reasons and more will be in Tampa today for the start of the three-day summit. About 100 airplanes will be on display at Peter O. Knight on Davis Islands. Ferries will take pilots from the convention center to the nearby airport. The Experimental Aircraft Association and the National Business Aircraft Association also are participating in the summit.

If you’re interested in flying, you might want to check out the seminars and exhibits available today and Friday. More information is available at www.aopasummit.org.

You can learn about flying and even sign up for a $70 introductory flight. If you do, you’ll be taking off in a small airplane, and the jet pilots coming and going from Tampa International Airport will never see you.

Read more: click here.

Appeared in the San Francisco Chronicle (c). Edward Guthmann, Special to The Chronicle, Monday Nov. 9, 2009

Amelia Earhart flew solo across the Atlantic in 1932. During World War II, more than 1,000 women pilots joined the Women Airforce Service Pilots. And yet, women pilots are still distinctly in the minority.

According to FAA statistics from December 2007, only 6.17 percent of commercial pilots and 6.06 percent of all pilots are women.

Malvika Matharoo, 24, is Earhart’s heir. A native of Punjab, India, she grew up in the Middle Eastern nation Oman. Matharoo studied aviation at the University of North Dakota and moved to California in December 2007. She lives in Petaluma and works for North Coast Air in Santa Rosa.

The film “Amelia,” starring Hilary Swank as Amelia Earhart, is playing in Bay Area theaters.

I am the first pilot in all the generations of my family. So there really wasn’t anybody who influenced me. I would always have dreams where I was flying – like I was a superhero – so I knew I had to do something about it. As soon as I started flying at the University of North Dakota, I said, “This is it! I like this, I really do.”

We flew all year round in North Dakota. I’ve even flown in temperatures of minus 45 degrees with wind chill. It wasn’t bad, actually.

What do I like about flying? It’s the joy and the adrenalin that you get from experiencing something so beautiful and phenomenal. It’s almost unexplainable.

As a pilot, your preparation starts 24 hours in advance of a flight: getting a good night’s sleep, eating right, checking the weather and runway conditions.

If you’re going to a new airport you need to look at the airport diagram; study radio frequencies, runway lengths and directions; plan ahead which runway you might use by looking at the forecasted winds; look at charts to get an idea of the terrain around the airport.

The most important thing is to always be vigilant and familiar with your surrounding area. Because when you’re flying, you need to always ask this one question: “If my engine quits right now where am I going to land?”

I’m a flight instructor at North Coast Air and my duties are to guide students and teach them how to fly. Help them get their licenses and ratings. A rating is part of our pilot certificate that states the privileges and limitations – basically what a pilot can and cannot do.

We fly the Cessna 172 Skyhawk, which is a four-seat, single-engine plane, and the Cessna 152, a two-seat, single-engine plane. The cost and length of time to get a private pilot’s license depends on the student: how fast they learn and how motivated they are.

I’m very happy where I am now but I would definitely love to fly corporate in the near future. I’ve always dreamed of flying with a company like NetJets, which has smaller business jets – the Gulfstreams or Falcons.

A corporate pilot also has a more flexible schedule than a commercial pilot. It’s very hard as a commercial pilot to be there for your family.

I just started a program called “Take to the Sky,” with North Coast Air and Valley of the Moon Teen Center in Sonoma. It’s a flight program where I’m trying to encourage young women to pursue their dreams, hopefully in aviation. To say, “You can do it. I’ve done it.”

I’ve come across a lot of teenagers who are, like, “No, I can’t do this because my parents don’t want me to,” or “I’m just not smart enough.”

I’ve always wanted to be a role model and motivate young teens to follow their dreams. If I can bring a change in somebody’s life, that would be the best feeling ever.

Read more: click here