Most of these jokes are well known to those in the know. We put them here for everyone’s enjoyment. If you have any jokes not listed here, please send them to [email protected].
Sources include:
http://discussions.flightaware.com/general-aviation/just-for-laughs-pilot-humor-t1747-100.html
1. Just Watch This …
Hat tip to Ted for posting this joke on the Plastic Pilot blog last year:
A USAF C-5 Galaxy is being escorted across the Atlantic by an F-16. The F-16 pilot is feeling rather proud of himself and executes a roll just off the wingtip of the much larger C-5. The conversation that followed is priceless:
Fighter Jock: “What’dya think of that?â€
C-5 Pilot: “That was alright… but just watch this…â€
Ten Minutes Elapse…
C-5 Pilot: “What’dya think of that?â€
Fighter Jock: “Like what?â€
C-5 Pilot: “I just got up, stretched my legs, took a piss and grabbed a cup of coffee…â€
Fighter Jock: “Oh…â€
2. Radio transmissions
Philly Fun
====================
at KISZ (north side of Cincinnati) one of the IFR approach fixes is named ICING.
a lot of student training takes place north of the airport, so you sometimes hear on the approach frequency:
“Cleared direct to ICING” or “Maintain 3000 feet until you have ICING”
you can always tell students that are unfamiliar with the area / procedures when they answer:
“Oh, I’m in a Cessna 172, I’m not allowed to go into icing.” or
“It’s 70 degrees out today, how am I going to find any icing?”
======================
A cherokee 140 pilot is holding short of a runway. A DC-8 lands on taxies by the 140, as it does the DC-8 pilot says over the radio “Awww, cute plane, you build that all by yourself?”
The 140 pilot, without missing a beat, says “Yup! And with another landing like yours, I’ll have enough parts to build 10 more!”
========================
Two stories from german ATC:
Lufthansa 123: [requests departure clearance in German]
ATC: Lufthansa 123, say again in English.
Lufthansa 123: I’m a German pilot, flying a German plane, for a German airline, in Germany. Why do I have to speak English?
British Airlines 412 [in a beautiful British accent]: Because you lost the bloody war.
Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one’s gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: “Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway.”
Ground: “Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.”
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?”
Speedbird 206: “Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now.”
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): “Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?”
Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,… and I didn’t land.”
========================
STL approach: “United XXX best forward speed to the marker, you’re number one.”
United XXX (male): “Roger, balls to the wall.”
STL approach: “American XXXX, you’re number two behind a 737, follow him, cleared visual, best forward speed.”
American XXXX (female): “Well I can’t do ‘balls to the wall’ but I can go ‘wide open’.”
-Radio silence-
Unknown Pilot (male): “Is American hiring?”
–
El Paso has a ‘high approach’ (known as penetration approaches)for the military and the initial approach fix is “fanny” 20 miles se of ELP. A lady controller was busy and clipped her phraseology “Talon one cleared for penetration at fanny” and then in the ensuing silence an anonomous pilot keyed the mike and said “Ah, center, we’d like one of those too.”
–
SR-71 Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes: “I’ll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt (my backseater) and I were screaming across Southern California, 13 miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace. Though they didn’t really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope. I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its groundspeed.”
“90 knots” Center replied.
“Moments later, a Twin Beech required the same.”
“120 knots,” Center answered.
“We weren’t the only ones proud of our groundspeed that day as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, ‘Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests groundspeed readout.’
“There was a slight pause, then the response, 525 knots on the ground, Dusty”.
“Another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my backseater. It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison.” “Center, Aspen 20, you got a groundspeed readout for us?”
There was a longer than normal pause…. “Aspen, I show 1,742 knots”
“No further inquiries were heard on that frequency”
–
Taxiing down the tarmac, the DC10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, “What, exactly, was the problem?”
“The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,” explained the flight attendant. “It took us a while to find a new pilot.”
–
At the airport for a business trip, Maureen settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then she heard the voice on the public address system saying, ‘We apologise for the inconvenience, but BOAC Flight 937 will board from Gate 41.’
Maureen picked up her luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told her that Flight 937 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.
So, again, Maureen gathered her carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as she was settling down, the public address voice spoke again, ‘We would like to thank all passengers for participating in BOAC’s physical fitness programme.’
–
here it goes: My friend says he was training an ATC rookie – I think he said it was out at Nellis AFB. Anyway, one day this kid takes a call from an aircraft requesting clearance to FL 800 (80,000 feet)…
Rookie (dripping with sarcasm): “Okay, hotshot — if you think you can take her that high, GO FOR IT!!”
Pilot of the SR-71 on the other end of the radio: “Roger Control; now DESCENDING from 100,000 feet to FL 800….”
–
Novice female military controller to US bomber leaving radar coverage, forgetting the correct terminology… “You are entering my dark area”
USB: “WHOOPEE!”
–
One of the controllers came on and reported something happened to cause a further delay and that those planes in a holding pattern would need to stay there. Almost immediately, one of the pilots responded with, “Bullshit!” The controller then said something to the effect of, “Sir, the use of profane language is prohibited on this channel by FAA and FCC regulations. Please identify yourself.” After a moment, one of the pilots reported, “This is flight 123 and we are negative on the bullshit.” A moment after that, another flight reported in, “This is flight 456 and we are also negative on the bullshit.” One by one, each and every one of the flights reported in as being “negative on the bullshit.”
–
A huge C-5 cargo plane was sitting near where a small plane was waiting to take off. The private pilot got a little nervous because the military plane was closer than normal, and asked the tower to find out the intentions of the C-5. Before the tower could reply, a voice came over the radio as the C-5’s nose cargo doors opened, saying, “I’m going to eat you.”
–
United cargo jet (with female pilot): “This is my secondary radio. Is my transmission still fuzzy?
Oakland ARTCC controller: “I don’t know. I’ve never seen it.” (Earned him two weeks on the beach) (Ack ‘a former ATC’)
=====================
While I was working at KHND I heard this from the tower and aircraft:
Tower: Piper 12345, clear takeoff 17R; say direction of flight.
After a momentary pause
Piper: Clear for takeoff 17R…uh…direction??? Forward.
And another while listening at work.
Tower: Cessna 123AB turn left there and hold. Say intentions?
Cessna:(without missing a beat) Always honorable, sir.
====================
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While
attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, “What was your last known position?”
Student: “When I was number one for takeoff.”
==============
Controller: “Cessna 266, descend and maintain 1,500, cleared for the approach, contact tower at the outer marker.” Without realizing that his mike is still open he says, “Watch me kill this S.O.B.”
Pilot: “CANCEL IFR! CANCEL IFR!”
============
Student Naval Aviator (SNA) flying in back on an instrument hop, very lost, very flustered, inadvertently keys XMIT instead of ICS to tell Instructor Pilot (IP) he is less-than-optimally situationally aware:
SNA: (broadcasts to world) “Sir, I’m all fucked up.”
Whiting TWR: “Aircraft using obscenity, identify yourself.”
(short pause)
IP: “My student said he was fucked up; he didn’t say he was stupid.”
==================
Overheard on Huntsville (KUTS) Unicom:
King Air: “Huntsville Unicom weather report”
Unicom: “Winds are…and it’s raining cats and dogs.”
King Air: “Rats.”
Unicom: “No rats, just cats and dogs.”
===================
A pilot crossed the hold short line accidentally without clearance…
When the female controller began yelling at him, and screaming all sorts of things about runway incursions, and FAA requirements, he replied…
“Honey, I knew that you were a jack of all trades, but…I just…I mean…I didn’t know that you were an Air Traffic Controller…you never told me about!
=================
Cessna 65777 (a 172-S model) doing traffic patterns at Deer Valley Airport in Phoenix…
” Deer Valley Tower…Triple Seven with you on the visual for RWY 7 Right…”
==========
San Jose Tower Noted:
“American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able… If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.”
==========
Tower: “Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7”
Eastern 702: “Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.”
Tower: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?”
Continental 635: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern… we’ve already notified our caterers”
===============
While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, Screaming:
“US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it’s
difficult for you to tell the difference between C’ and D’, but get it right!” Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically: “God! Now you’ve screwed everything up! It’ll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don’t move till I tell you to! You
can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You
got that, US Air 2771?”
“Yes ma’am,” the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out in Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: “Wasn’t I married to you once?”
===============
Say again….
Questions via the radio should not always be answered exactly.
Tower: Aircraft in holding pattern, say fuelstate?
Aircraft: Fuelstate
Tower: Say again?
Aircraft: Again….
====================
ATC: United 393, turn left 270 for noise abatement.
UAL 393: Noise abatement? We’re at 33,000 feet!
ATC: United 393, have you ever heard the noise of a DC-10 hitting a Boeing 727?
====================
3. Pilot announcement
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight “safety lecture” and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, “People, people we’re not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!”
2. On a Continental Flight with a very “senior” flight attendant crew, the pilot said, “Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.”
3. On landing, the stewardess said, “Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to have.
4. “There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane”
5. “Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”
6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”
7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.”
8. >From a Southwest Airlines employee: “Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa.. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight.. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.”
9. “In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.”
10. “Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.”
11. “Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.”
12. “As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”
13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: “Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!”
14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, “That was quite a bump, and I know what y’all are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendant’s fault, it was the asphalt.”
15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”
16. Another flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”
17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a “Thanks for flying our airline.” He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, “Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?” “Why, no, Ma’am,” said the pilot. “What is it?” The little old lady said, “Did we land, or were we shot down?”
18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.”
19. Part of a flight attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of US Airways.”
20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. “Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light ’em, you can smoke ’em.”
21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax.. OH, MY GOD!” Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!” A passenger in Coach yelled, “That’s nothing. You should see the back of mine.”
=================
From the cockpit to passengers:
“Ladies and Gentlemen…from the flight deck, this is your captain speaking. Current conditions reported at Boston are partly cloudy with a light breeze out of the southwest. We are expecting an on time arrival of….AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (Captain Screaming)
A few moments later (after many cries of horror from the passengers)…
“Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain again… I apologize for the exclamation…the flight attendant was pouring my hot coffee when she accidentally spilled it all over my lap…you should see the front of my pants!”
When the announcement was complete one of the passengers shouted “Yeah…you should see the back of mine!”
4. Why I Want to be a Pilot
From a 5th Grader…
When I grow up I want to be a pilot because it’s a fun job and easy to do. That’s why there are so many pilots flying around these days.
Pilots don’t need much school. They just have to learn to read numbers so they can read their instruments.
I guess they should be able to read a road map, too.
Pilots should be brave to they won’t get scared it it’s foggy and they can’t see, or if a wing or motor falls off.
Pilots have to have good eyes to see through the clouds, and they can’t be afraid of thunder or lightning because they are much closer to them than we are.
The salary pilots make is another thing I like. They make more money than they know what to do with. This is because most people think that flying a plane is dangerous, except pilots don’t because they know how easy it is.
I hope I don’t get airsick because I get carsick and if I get airsick, I couldn’t be a pilot and then I would have to go to work.
——Purported to have been written by a fifth grade student at Jefferson School, Beaufort, SC. It was first published in the South Carolina Aviation News.
5. Nicola
6. Stealth Aircraft
7. Size DOES Matter!
Shortly after landing at a big international airport in his Cessna 150, our hero strolls into the busy airport cafeteria for a bite to eat. He finds an empty table by the window to keep an eye on the airport comings and goings. Shortly thereafter, a striking woman walks up and asks to share his table. Naturally, he invites her to sit down.
After several minutes of small talk, the woman asks if he is a pilot. He responds, “Why, yes. Yes I am — I fly a C-150.” Knowing next to nothing about airplanes, she asks him what a C-150 is. The pilot looks out the window and spots a C-130 Hercules taxing out for takeoff.
Pointing to it, he tells his companion, “See that plane over there? That is a C-130. I fly a C-150!”
8. Flying Doctor
An Australian Outback pilot was flying the “Flying Doctor” to one of his many routine village runs, when all of a sudden he heard the doctor exclaim…” Oh my goodness! That propeller is standing still out there on the wing.”
“Standard procedure..” the pilot responded.
“For what?” asked the doctor.
“Well I couldn’t get it started today, so I just made sure that I feathered the prop to reduce drag, and took off.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” asked the doctor.
“Well I figured it would be better if you didn’t know”, replied the pilot.
At their destination the pilot was horrified to find out that he was the “midwife” for the doctor during child delivery.
Part way through labor and delivery, the doctor, sweating and stressed shouted to the pilot…”get me a bird and bring me the feathers!”
Confused the pilot produced the feathers for the doctor.
The doctor bent down and began…
“What on earth are you doing?”
“Well”, said the doctor, “I’m feathering the ‘exit’ to reduce drag!”
9. Bird Strike
A Boeing 747-400 was on a long final for RWY 8 Right, when tower contacted them with a traffic advisory.
“Air China 1128-please report traffic 12 o’clock”…
“Looking for traffic…Air China 1128”
15 Seconds later…
(FO to Capt)
“I think we just had a bird strike!”
“Goodness that was the biggest bird I have ever seen” replied the Captain
EEEH…EEEH…EEEH…
“Air China 1128…we’re calling to report a bird strike, and an ELT sounding in vicinity…”
LONG pause…
“Air China, please report souls on board…we’re showing you still airborne after a midair with aircraft type, Cessns 150…
“OMG! We thought we hit a bird!…Air China 1128”
10. Why airplanes are better than wives:
Airplanes have strict weight and balance requirements
Airplanes dont care how many airplanes you have flown
Airplanes dont mind if you look at other airplanes or buy airplane magazines
Airplanes are cheaper in the long run
Airplanes can be turned on with the flick of a switch
Airplanes will kill you quick women take their time
Airplanes come with manuals
Airplanes wont get mad if you fly your friends airplane
Airplanes dont care if you’re late
Airplanes dont make you wear a rain coat before entering
11. Mock the Pilot
As a Passenger Service Agent for a small regional carrier, we have quite a bit of interaction with our pilots; which gives us a lot of opportunities to mock them, of course. These are a few of the good ones:
Q: What do pilots use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
Q:How many pilots does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Just one, ’cause the world revolves around him.
Q: How do you know if there is a pilot at your party?
A: He’ll tell you.
Q: What does a pilot say on a first date?
A: Enough about me, let’s talk about planes!
And my personal favourite:
Q: What’s the difference between a pilot and a turbine engine?
A: The engine stops whining when it pulls up to the gate.
12. Where Do Baby Airplanes Come From?
A Mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas
City to Chicago. The little boy (who had been looking out the window)
turned to his mother and asked, “If big dogs have baby dogs, and big
cats have baby cats, why don’t big airplanes have baby airplanes?”
The mother (who couldn’t think of an answer) told her son to ask the
flight attendant. So the boy went down the aisle and asked the stewardess.
The flight attendant, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said,
“Did your Mom tell you to ask me?”
The boy said, “yes she did.”
“Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes
because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to
you.”
13. I’m Bored…
Pilot- I’m fu*cking bored…
Memphis center- WHO SAID THAT?
Pilot- I said I’m Fu*king bored, not F*cking stupid
14. Luggage Checkin
Fella walks into the Airport Terminal and sets 3 suit cases on the check-in and says..”I’d like the first two to go to Denver and the third to go to Seattle”
Ticket gal says…”I’m sorry sir, but we cannot do that”
“Why not?”……”You did it last time!!”
15. Emergency Landing
My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started, and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.
Yesterday afternoon, she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting when she was forced to make an emergency landing in Massachusetts because of bad weather. Thank God our kids were with me at the beach house this weekend.
The NTSB issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: Judy was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating) rating.
The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured.
Photographs below were taken at the scene show the extent of damage to her aircraft.
She was very lucky.
here to see the punch line.
16. Squawks
Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane for a major airline, but only a high school diploma to fix one. After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a ‘gripe sheet,’ which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews, albeit they may lack a formal higher education, has ever lacked a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ‘ pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident. That I can recall.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Probably because auto-land is not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode has a 200 ft. per min. descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF IS inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
*
PS: Aircraft acting funny
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
17. Saint Peter
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?” The guy replies, “I’m Joey Shasta, retired pilot, of Pittsburg, PA.”
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, “Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.”
The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next it’s the minister’s turn. He stands erect and booms out, “I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last 43 years.” Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.”
“Just a minute,” says the minister. “That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?”
“Up here, we work by results,” says Saint Peter. “While you preached, people slept; while he flew, people prayed.”
18. For Athletes
Now this message is for America’s most famous athletes:
Someday you may be invited to fly in the backseat of one of your country’s most powerful fighter jets. Many of you already have… John Elway, John Stockton, Tiger Woods to name a few. If you get this opportunity, let me urge you, with the greatest sincerity…
Move to Guam.
Change your name.
Fake your own death!
Whatever you do…
Do Not Go!!!
I know. The U.S. Navy invited me to try it. I was thrilled. I was pumped. I was toast! I should’ve known when they told me my pilot would be Chip (Biff) King of Fighter Squadron 213 at Naval Air Station Oceana in
Virginia Beach. Whatever you’re thinking a Top Gun named Chip (Biff) King looks like, triple it. He’s about six-feet, tan, ice-blue eyes, wavy surfer hair, finger-crippling handshake — the kind of man who wrestles dyspeptic alligators in his leisure time. If you see this man, run the other way.
Fast.
Biff King was born to fly. His father, Jack King, was for years the voice
of NASA missions. (“T-minus 15 seconds and counting…..” Remember?) Chip would charge neighborhood kids a quarter each to hear his dad. Jack would wake up from naps surrounded by nine year-olds waiting for
him to say, “We have a liftoff.”
Biff was to fly me in an F-14D Tomcat, a ridiculously powerful $60 million
weapon with nearly as much thrust as weight, not unlike Colin Montgomerie. I was worried about getting airsick, so the night before the flight I asked Biff if there was something I should eat the next morning.
“Bananas,” he said.
“For the potassium?” I asked.
“No,” Biff said, “because they taste about the same coming up as they do
going down.”
The next morning, out on the tarmac, I had on my flight suit with my name sewn over the left breast. (No call sign — like Crash or Sticky or
Leadfoot. but, still, very cool.) I carried my helmet in the crook of my
arm, as Biff had instructed. If ever in my life I had a chance to nail
Nicole Kidman, this was it.
A fighter pilot named Psycho gave me a safety briefing and then fastened me into my ejection seat, which, when employed, would “egress” me out of the plane at such a velocity that I would be immediately knocked unconscious.
Just as I was thinking about aborting the flight, the canopy closed over me, and Biff gave the ground crew a thumbs-up. In minutes we were firing nose up at 600 mph. We leveled out and then canopy-rolled over another F-14.
Those 20 minutes were the rush of my life. Unfortunately, the ride lasted
80. It was like being on the roller coaster at Six Flags Over Hell. Only
without rails. We did barrel rolls, sap rolls, loops, yanks and banks. We
dived, rose and dived again, sometimes with a vertical velocity of 10,000
feet per minute. We chased another F-14, and it chased us.
We broke the speed of sound. Sea was sky and sky was sea. Flying at
200 feet we did 90-degree turns at 550 mph, creating a G force of 6.5, which is to say I felt as if 6.5 times my body weight was smashing against me, thereby approximating life as Mrs. Colin Montgomerie.
And I egressed the bananas. I egressed the pizza from the night before.
And the lunch before that. I egressed a box of Milk Duds from the sixth
grade. I made Linda Blair look polite. Because of the G’s, I was egressing
stuff that did not even want to be egressed. I went through not one airsick
bag, but two.
Biff said I passed out. Twice. I was coated in sweat. At one point, as we
were coming in upside down in a banked curve on a mock bombing target and the G’s were flattening me like a tortilla and I was in and out of
consciousness, I realized I was the first person in history to throw down.
I used to know cool. Cool was Elway throwing a touchdown pass, or Norman making a five-iron bite. But now I really know cool. Cool is guys like Biff, men with cast-iron stomachs and freon nerves. I wouldn’t go up there again for Derek Jeter’s black book, but I’m glad Biff does every day, and for less a year than a rookie reliever makes in a home stand.
A week later, when the spins finally stopped, Biff called. He said he and
the fighters had the perfect call sign for me. Said he’d send it on a patch
for my flight suit.
What is it? I asked.
“Two Bags.”
18. What a Landing!
An airplane is coming to land at an airport obscured by fog. Visibility is practically nil, the radar system is on the blink, so the pilot has to land on wits alone.
“Flaps, check,” he says to the co-pilot, “Landing Gear, check. Altitude, check. Right, we’re going in. Hold on.”
The plane lands and comes to a screeching, grinding halt; just short of the edge of the runway.
“Holy Cow!” exclaims the pilot, “This must be the shortest runway I’ve ever landed on!” The co-pilot looks left and right and says “Yeah, and about the widest, too…
19. King Arthur
“Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur’s youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question?…What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch’s proposition to have an answer by year’s end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.
But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur’s closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur
He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur’s life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur’s question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered….is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur’s life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day….or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below.
BUT….make YOUR choice before you scroll down below.
OKAY?
Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now….what is the moral to this story?
The moral is…..
If you don’t let a woman have her own way….
Things are going to get ugly
20. Pilot Rules
21. Why pilots get into heaven…
by JOHN on SEPTEMBER 5, 2011
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?” The guy replies, “I’m Joey Shasta, retired pilot, of Pittsburg, PA.”
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, “Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.”
The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next it’s the minister’s turn. He stands erect and booms out, “I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last 43 years.”
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.”
“Just a minute,” says the minister. “That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?”
“Up here, we work by results,” says Saint Peter. “While you preached, people slept; while he flew, people prayed.”
